6 Steps to Combating Shame
What is Shame?
According to shame researcher Brené Brown, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are somehow flawed in a way that makes us unworthy of love, acceptance and belonging” (The Power of Vulnerability, 2013). Shame taps into the sense that in some way, “I am not enough”. This often sounds like: “I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, outgoing enough, successful enough”.
When we experience shame, it communicates a message about our identity, who we are as a person. In contrast, guilt is experienced when our actions are inconsistent with our values, our beliefs, or how we see ourselves. Both can feel quite distressing, but the difference is, “I made a really poor decision” (guilt), versus, “I am a terrible person” (shame). One prompts us to make positive changes, the other damages our sense of self.
Though all of us struggle with some aspect of not feeling “enough”, those who battle with addictions and persistent mental health issues are highly susceptible to shame. After all, when an addict repeatedly engages in behaviors that violate his values, or he tries unsuccessfully to quit the addiction over and over again, it takes a toll on the way he views himself. Many who suffer from OCD, social anxiety, PTSD, and chronic cycles of depression receive a barrage of messages from themselves and others that communicate: “something is wrong with you”. It is not hard to see how shame can be highly corrosive to one’s self-image.
As feelings of shame take root, people tend to withdraw and isolate themselves. Being around others amplifies their sense of not measuring up and fear of being exposed. Others may put up a front or keep the people in their life at an emotional distance. They reason, “If you really knew me, you would think less of me/reject me/leave me/not love me…”. Shame can also manifest itself in anger, defensiveness, and endless pursuits to prove one’s self worthy of love and belonging. The net effect of shame is an acute sense of aloneness.
What can be done to combat shame?
Recognizing your shame triggers is a powerful first step. Similar to emotional triggers that activate various emotional reactions, shame triggers are situations, experiences, comments that activate the feeling of shame. Here are a few questions to help with identifying your own shame triggers*:
· I want to be perceived as.... (What is the image you want people to have of you, what you want others to believe about you?) ex. Smart, competent, organized, caring, thoughtful, honest.
· I don't want to be perceived as... (This variation on the first question often reveals additional sources of shame.) ex. Weak, wrong, unprepared, disorganized, lazy, uncaring.
· What situations make me feel small, less than or flawed? ex. Being ignored/excluded/rejected, publicly talked down to, not knowing the answer, being around people who appear more successful.
· What is my prerequisite for worth? ex. If I become more disciplined, a better dad/husband/Christian, lose 10 pounds, get the promotion, quit this habit...then I will be worthy of love and acceptance by myself/God/others.
· NOTE: Watch for strong physiological reactions in response to the words or actions of others. These physical signs in your body can be good indicators when your shame triggers are activated.
2. Once you have identified your own triggers, this is a great opportunity to understand yourself better. Try asking the following questions:
What is the story about that?
Where did this come from?
Why is that so important to me?
What bothers me the most about this?
3. The next step in the process is to recognize when shame triggers have been activated. This involves the dual awareness of feeling shame and observing it at the same time. Try to stay curious about the experience rather than judging it.
4. Next, talk about this openly with your spouse, a friend, a therapist, or someone you feel safe with. This act of vulnerability counteracts isolation and feelings of aloneness, and combats the lie that people will reject you if they really know you. Often the exact opposite is true. When we practice vulnerability it fosters intimacy and draws us closer to others. Dragging shame into the light is the most effective way of diminishing its power.
5. Use “I feel….” statements rather than “I am….” statements. There is a subtle but profound difference in these two statements. One reflects a temporary and changeable state, the other implies something far deeper and enduring. Try experimenting with this and notice how your body responds:
“I feel lazy (right now)” vs, “I am lazy”
“I feel dumb (for saying that)” vs. “I am dumb”
“I feel like a bad friend (for doing that)” vs. “I am a bad friend”
Even if you try these two and recognize there is some truth to the latter, then choose how you want to be moving forward.
6. Finally, after the emotional charge of the trigger has diminished, it is helpful to ask, “What is the flaw in this thinking? Am I really a lazy person, or am I simply acting unproductively in this moment?” If there is an element of truth to this (i.e., you are behaving in a way that is inconsistent with your value of productivity), then what do you choose to do about it? The key is to act responsively, not reactively to your shame triggers.
As you gain a clearer understanding of what shame is, you can identify your own shame triggers and seek to understand the origin of these negative beliefs. Armed with this understanding, notice when shame has been activated and practice vulnerability by talking about it openly with someone safe. Shift your relationship with shame by using “I feel” statements vs “I am” statements, challenging negative thinking patterns, and acting responsively rather than reactively. Though it is unlikely we will eradicate shame entirely, we can significantly reduce the impact and power it has over our lives.
*Questions adapted from The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown (2013).
